Everyone is tired, the kids are hyped up on candy and you’re meeting resistance as you try to control the amount of sugar consumption in your family. Arguments and tantrums erupt, bargains and threats are issued.
Perhaps you’re struggling with the overwhelming temptation to eat just one more chocolate bar when no one is looking?
Scenes like this are playing out in countless households across the country. You’re not alone!
How does one set boundaries and find calm and peace in this situation?
Setting boundaries for yourself and others requires the calm expression of needs and desires. What is the underlying fear that drives this post Halloween tension? Likely you don’t want your children to get sick, or you don’t want them so hyper they can’t concentrate in school or fall asleep on time. Calmly expressing your concerns and desires using ‘I’ language takes the sting out of your communication.
Nonviolent Communication to the Rescue!
This is all wonderfully illustrated in Marshall Rosenberg’s book “Nonviolent Communication”. I refer to his method time and again in my own life as well as with my counselling clients. It’s a magically effective formula! Here it is in its basic form:
When I see _________ , I feel _________ , because I value/need _________ . Would you be willing to _____________ ?
How might that sentence look for you? Here’s an example: “When I see you eating so much candy, I am afraid that you’ll get sick. Your well being is important to me! Would you be willing to help me come up with some ideas about how much candy is reasonable per day?
Invite your children to brainstorm ideas about how to regulate their candy intake. They are much more willing to follow their own rules, and often impose stricter limits on themselves than you would! Once you come to a mutually agreed solution, have them write it down and stick it on the fridge (if they’re old enough). You can build in a reward system (not based on candy!) for following the rules, with their input as well.
The intent behind this form of communication is very well grounded in brain research. Children (and adults!) only really resist when they don’t feel connected to you. Anything that fosters warmth and connection will smooth communication and greatly ease the setting of boundaries.
More about connection and resistance next time…….
If you’re interested in learning more about Nonviolent Communication, you can visit https://www.cnvc.org for lots of information and resources.
