Feeling ‘not good enough’ is pervasive in our Western culture. From a young age, we are required to compete and perform in order to fit in. Intelligence, attractiveness, wealth, popularity….. if we are unable to meet the standards, we are faced with the fear of not belonging, of not being worthy, of not being able to survive in a ‘dog eat dog’ kind of world. Everywhere we turn, we feel we’re not good enough.
Unlike other cultures, where children grow up in a community or tribe where they are mentored and supported, our culture puts independence as the highest virtue. A safe, nourishing, cohesive family environment seems harder to find with the high divorce rates. These factors only add to the negative effects of a competitive culture.
A Story of ‘Not Good Enough’
Sarah grew up in a family where her parents wanted her to be how they thought she ‘should’ be. Her natural inclination to be quiet and work on art projects didn’t suit her outgoing parents. They were extroverted business people who valued making money. Art was not a suitable career for Sarah in their eyes, because it wouldn’t make money. She was told she should go to university and get a degree in something ‘useful’. Even her food choices weren’t up to her parent’s standards. She preferred vegetarian meals, and her parents were meat lovers. They always chided her for eating like a rabbit, and said she’d end up malnourished.
Sarah entered adult life with a crippling sense of never being good enough. She always felt there was something wrong with her, and didn’t trust her own ideas and opinions. She did very well in school, and was viewed by the world as being successful and smart. Yet inside, she was constantly criticizing herself, and battling overwhelming anxiety. Somedays she felt too depressed to get out of bed. She had a job as an accountant, but hated every minute of it. She had a hard time making friends, and even when she was with the friends she did have, she still felt a pervasive sense of loneliness.
If this story sounds familiar, you are not alone!
Sarah’s story is not unique. Her parents only did what they knew from their upbringing. Parenting from a perspective of fear and personal desires is a pattern that gets passed from generation to generation – until someone chooses to break the pattern. The culture of independence and competition most of us grow up in does not help to alleviate a learned sense of being not good enough.
Are you seen as your own person by those who you spend time with? Do they acknowledge your emotions, desires, likes and dislikes? Do they allow you to be ‘you’? Or do you feel forced to mold yourself to their standards?
If you grew up feeling not good enough, chances are you’ve become oversensitive to your perceived shortcomings. Each time you do something ‘wrong’ your inner critic has a field day and you’re filled with self hatred.
You may wonder how you can ever overcome feelings of unworthiness.
Perhaps you yearn for an inner and outer place of rest, a place where you can be yourself, free of criticism and coercion – supported for who and how you are.
Overcoming ‘Not Good Enough’
Here are some ways to begin realizing your self worth, and transcending the suffering of ‘not good enough’:
- Never compare yourself to anyone else! There will always be someone who is better, or has more than you. There will also always be others who have ‘less than’ or are worse off than you. Comparing yourself only opens up avenues for judgement and feelings of inadequacy. Every person is on their own life journey, with their own unique set of gifts and challenges.
- Find a supportive community. Support groups, Toastmasters, churches or any group that encourages you to be true to yourself can be a great place to build your sense of self worth. Nothing beats an affirming relationship with one or more people! Once you experience acceptance from others, it can inspire you to increased self acceptance.
- Know that you are never alone. Tara Brach, in her book “Radical Acceptance”, speaks about the Buddha’s insight that “all suffering or dissatisfaction arises from a mistaken understanding that we are a separate and distinct self.” In other words, we are part of a community of beings who are all suffering to some extent. We are not alone. No one meets the world’s definition of ‘perfect’. And no one is truly flawed at their core.
- Practice giving what you want to receive. If you are longing for support or acceptance, try making it your daily goal to show support or acceptance to someone else. It is always a good practice to treat others as we would like to be treated! What you give is generally what you get back. And, giving has a wonderful way of helping us temporarily forget our own suffering.
- Allow yourself the grace and space to be as you are in this very moment – warts and all! Resisting anything will only give it energy and make it grow. When you are feeling self critical, it can help to take a moment to check in with your emotions and sensations, and name what you’re experiencing. Call it what it is. Let it be. Given space and time, the feelings and sensations will soften their grip on you. Giving yourself this space allows you the mental and emotional clarity to make a more balanced decision about what steps you might take next to bring positive change.
“The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” – Carl Rogers
In the end, it is your ‘beingness’ itself that gives you value and worth. Discovering your inner divine spark (which all of us have!) is the end of all feelings of unworthiness. This discovery is a journey and practice that can take a lifetime, and is worth spending your lifetime on.
